Word on the Streets

36 weeks. . .[thoughts on ivf and pregnancy] p.s. this is a long one--grab a snack

this post has been rummaging around in my head since one year ago. it started out as one thing and has gone through multiple drafts. it could not have been written really any earlier than now. i think i always knew that and for that reason have held off writing it until now. almost a year later and i can look back over that span of time and jot down some thoughts on my experience with in vitro and pregnancy. 

keep in mind--this is all from my own view--they are my personal thoughts on my own personal experience with these things. everyone has their own experience and stories. i know more now than ever that with these topics everyone's experiences differ even if just slightly. this just happens to be mine.

when my twins were born eight years ago it was not long after that when people around me who knew me and those who didn't know me even--would ask me "are you gonna have more children?" that question always made me heavy. i felt for a really long time that it just was not a nice question to ask seeing as i felt up to my eyeballs with the responsibility of caring for two young babies at the same time. i felt like i was doing good to have children and two at a time was just enough for me for a good long while. so i never really knew quite how to answer that question. it was soooo far from my mind. when the boys were young--probably all the way until they were five years old, i never gave much if any thought to having more children. but i am not a terribly good multi-tasker. i like to do one thing well and then move on to the next thing. i can multi-task only a little bit but i get overwhelmed easily and feel like i'm not giving my best to any one thing. so for years i just enjoyed my two children completely.  

then somewhere in their fifth year we just thought to leave the possibility of getting pregnant to chance and stopped preventative measures. in the back of my mind i was a little stressed i might admit but after a year had passed i began to wonder if rod and i should see a fertility doctor just to have tests run and see if there were a problem that needed to be addressed. and so the testing began. we went to two different doctors. both of them ran a slew of tests and the conclusion was always "unexplained infertility." at that point i sort of felt wronged. i felt like i had paid these two doctors all this money to run all these tests and all they could find was nothing explainable? it was almost like i wanted it to be something i could label since i'd paid all that money for a diagnosis. and that was when i realized that entering into the world of medicine and fertility treatments would be a mind game. i should have been relieved that nothing was terribly wrong with me. and yet, nothing could be done either to explain why we were not able to conceive on our own. we let it rest at that for a time.

another year went by where we just decided to keep trying on our own and let nature take its course. we needed time away from the subject and stress. in the meantime i came to meet a girl i really admired who had three young boys, two being twins, and all were from in-vitro treatments. she mentioned having been to one of the doctors we had met with and then finding another doctor she really liked and they were able to have their children because of working with him and his practice. she highly recommended him. i pocketed the information. 

on my 40th birthday-- in january 2010-- i felt strongly that if we were ever going to consider in-vitro treatments it should be this year. i felt like it was a now or never path that we needed to address taking. i didn't know how we would afford it and didn't really know why i felt compelled to try it but i took the information of the doctor my friend had given me and made an appointment. at the time his office was doing free consultations and assessments. i had my previous records transferred to his office and figured meeting with him couldn't hurt.

rod and i went to meet this doctor. dr. fisch welcomed us into his office and sat with us for a good long time talking over all the ins and outs of fertility options for couples in our position. age was a factor and he was clear to tell us that there would be no guarantee. i liked his straightforwardness. he had no air of arrogance. he was just fair and understanding. he made his recommendations for us and told us to think about it. we left knowing we had to ask ourselves many tough questions. would going into debt be worth it? would we just be happy with the two healthy and beautiful children we already had? would we have regrets in five more years that we never just tried it regardless of the expense or possible let down? 

as with all decisions in life that are big, we made the topic a matter or prayer. we each sought for answers. at that time we both knew that it was not a possibility. it just didn't feel like it was right at the time for whatever reason. and so we went throughout the year as normal. our boys were in first grade and so happy. we were able to travel on family vacations to california and the cabin and enjoy our little family of four completely. even still, at times i would be haunted by the wish to have just one other child in our family---one child so i could know what it was like to just have one baby to hold at a time. one child--so jack and morgan would know what it was like to have a sibling, one not just like themselves who they could serve and love and rely on later in life besides one another. one child--so that rod and i could again experience a deeper growth as a couple through parenting another spirit.

by september of 2010 i had a strong feeling that i should make another appointment with dr. fisch--just to consult. rod and i agreed to go back and just talk it out again. i think by now neither rod and i had had a settling of the heart on the matter. we felt like it was the think we needed to explore yet again though our circumstances had not changed that much from the first of the year. the only thing that had changed was adding months to our ages. in the world of fertility age is not one thing that is always welcomed. so rod and i went back to dr. fisch's office and nailed down the cost of his recommendations and a possible timeline to follow. we didn't know what would change to make it possible for us to follow this path we were outlining with the doctor but we decided that just having the path outlined was a needed step. we left the office feeling as though it was the right thing to do but we had no means of making it happen.  

for the next few days we just sat on it. we talked about it a lot but there was never a conclusion. we continued to pray about it and ask for direction. then one day i was driving down eastern avenue running errands. and i had the thought, if someone came out of the blue and offered me the entire sum of the cost with no strings attached would i have the guts to proceed with in-vitro. i needed to ask myself if it was just the money alone that was holding me back. i answered my own question right there sitting the in the car. the answer was "yes" i would go for it if money were no option. just as soon as i answered that in my mind i heard from behind me as clear as day, "you need to talk to your dad." i heard that as if someone were sitting behind my seat talking to me in real life. i heard it three times. it affected me so much for the rest of the day that i told rod of it when he got home. that led us to discuss whether or not we would talk it over with my dad. my mom already knew that we had gone to the doctor again and she had us in her prayers as well. but the instructions i got were not to talk to her but my dad. the problem with that was that my dad was out of town. he had been at the cabin for a number of weeks--working on the cabin and when he is at the cabin he is outside most of the day so very hard to get on the phone. that night with my mom at our home we decided we would call to talk to my dad and tell him what we were thinking regarding in-vitro.

our phone call with my father that night would turn out to be one of a few very spiritual and tender moments for rod and me with my parents--though he was not even here in person. my father had no idea we were considering in-vitro and yet when he found out he could not have been more supportive. we outlined the plan the doctor had for us, the timeline and the cost it would take to follow that timeline. my dad immediately offered his financial support which would enable us to proceed without stress. he then gave us great council as a father and told us how he felt about both rod and me as his children. it was a phone call i will never forget. it makes me tender in the heart just remembering it. my dad has a unique spot in his heart for my husband. he treats him as though he were and considers him his own son. there is no son-in-law according to my dad. i am so grateful that the two of them have a really strong relationship. my father's generosity was astounding to both rod and me. we ended that night with a prayer of thanks for parents such as we have. and so that began our heading full-force into the rest of the year with in-vitro treatments.

it is hard to explain how i felt about starting in-vitro. i tried to keep my expectations to a minimum and my head about me. in october i had my visit with dr. fisch and we ordered a litany of meds. the number of medications were astounding and the calendar to keep it all straight looked like a rainbow--everything color coded. it was easy at the beginning and i wondered why everyone thought it was such a hard thing to go through. but after a month of injections and pills i realized it was the consistency of it and the increasing dosages that began to be wearing. i was lucky. my body handled the medication with relative ease. It was not terribly altering--uncomfortable for sure but again my expectations were low and everything was new to me. i felt like i could manage it all and it seemed like i could. just before christmas we were able to do the procedures needed. it meant that a few weeks before christmas we would find out if any embryo was viable. we opted to do genetic testing on the embryos so we would have the most information we could on them to know which was the healthiest. i thought science would give us so many more answers so we could make an informed decision. but in a few days we found we had nothing survive. we had no choice to make. everything we had worked to get had failed. that was the hard pill to swallow. it left me really let down. i know rod felt the same. i tried hard not to get too far down. i wanted to still enjoy the holiday but i was left with so many mixed emotions. i knew that we had signed up for two cycles of in-vitro just in the event that this was the outcome of the first cycle. (this was part of the doctor's recommendations for us because of a number of factors.) so i knew we would be starting up again with a new cycle at the end of january 2011. this time however, i found it to be so much more difficult than the first cycle. i knew now what the meds were like and i knew now most of all what failure felt like. i was determined to try and get back to feeling normal and myself again through the holidays so i could gear up for what i knew was coming at the start of the new year.

the holidays were calm and so full of joy. we kept it simple. i felt really great physically. i felt normal again and energetic. i love that feeling. my birthday rolled around in january. now i was 41. the inevitable came again--doctor's appointments began and ordering the medications this time was even tougher than before--there were more of them and higher dosages. i knew i was in for a challenging couple of winter months. 

the second cycle for me was where i really had to dig deep within and put my mind to it. i don't have any idea how women do cycles three, four and fives times over and over. they are extremely strong women in my mind. i do not think i could be that strong. i kept thinking that especially the further we got into this cycle number two. things went well enough and we got to the point again where we did the needed procedures. this time however, the encouragement from our doctor was more guided. the first go round we really wanted to do genetic testing. i think we were looking for science to give us as many answers as it could. this time our doctor told us we had what looked to be two very healthy embryos and we could do genetic testing again on them if we really wanted to but it would not be his suggestion. he recommended coming in right away so that he could transfer them back to me promptly. we went to his office with the some further questions and thinking we could possibly do a transfer that day if we felt right about it. i still had a desire to test them and yet when dr. fisch came out and sat beside us with images of the embyos (like that would help me see what he was seeing) i got a strong sense that his faith was stronger than mine at the time. i don't know if he is a highly religious man. i do know that he works with this everyday and handles many many varied cases and has done so for a good number of years now. he is a man of science so to speak--he is a reproductive doctor after all. but what he was telling me right then and there was to let go of the testing and take what looked to be strong, healthy embyos and transfer then back to me right now--giving them a completely different timing and chance than those we had in the first cycle. it was his experience that he was giving us. doctors so often now a days are hesitant to say anything. they walk such a fine line because of the threat of being sued and held accountable if something goes wrong. but thankfully for us, dr. fisch voiced his opinion and not in a passive "here is what i think but do what you want" manner. it was more like council and him telling us what he wanted to do. i had to let go right then and there and trust that this man, with his years of experience, was telling us what he felt was the best thing to do--rely less on science at this point and return the embyos to their natural environment and let nature take its course. in fact, he often made reference to "the good man upstairs taking over." we decided to do the transfer and did so that day. it would be the best decision we'd made yet.

i was nervous. i'd not gotten to this point with the first cycle. but i was grateful for the chance this time. it was a game changer for me. now i had something to really be aware of each day until we could find out if anything took and we became pregnant. in vitro is such an odd process. the science of it is unmistakable. my husband stands beside me and holds me hand while the doctor does all the work. how important is it to have a knowledgeable and humble doctor! after the transfer rod and i were filled with hope again. all of this now would be new territory. i am always grateful that rod is a strong and encouraging person. he has always taken such great care of me and this experience would prove no different.

there are two blood tests done in two consecutive days to confirm that you are pregnant. the first day was a positive result. the numbers were very high. the second test confirmed the same and from there on we were on the path to maintaining that pregnancy atleast to week 11 with dr. fisch's care. how did i feel at the time of knowing i was pregnant? well, i don't really know how to describe it--again i'm sort of at a loss for describing my feelings. yes, i was happy. more than that i was relieved. and more than that i felt like i had to be extra cautious. i felt like i had a terrifically breakable gift that i needed to tend to and not be flippant about its value. i rested as much as i could. my parents were a great help as was rod. the medications continued. this is where i experienced great joy offset by a great amount of physical pain that i'd not experienced previously.

my experience was that after i became pregnant having injections daily because more and more painful with each passing day. rod was good to give me the injections but there was soon no more untouched real estate to prick--so to speak. my hips were so sore that walking and sitting or anything was terrifically painful. it as like getting a swift kick in the backside twice a day! but you just weather certain things because you know you have to. and then it got to a point that i didn't feel like i was equal to the task. the physical pain was so much that i was crabby with my children and my husband. i felt so unlike myself that i was desperate to find an alternate option till i could quite the medication. i began to research online and was lucky enough to read a number of message boards on which i learned i was not the only one experiencing this kind of pain. i learned that i could ask my doctor for pills instead of intramuscular injections! that night i cried and cried having to be stuck yet again. rod felt terrible. i can't believe he even came near me with a needle knowing i might have turned, grabbed the syringe and turned it on him! i was done with injections and would swallow any number of pills the size of china if needed only to be finished with the backside brutality.

the next day i called dr. fisch's office and spoke with the nurse who told me it was not a problem to prescribe me the necessary pills now that i was this close to 11 weeks. for the next 3 weeks i was more than happy to swallow a few horse-sized pills three times daily in order to forgo the injections. slowly my backside healed---very slowly but it did. i began to feel better and things were looking up. i was a little nauseated but it never really amounted to much. i shopped for an ob/gyn who would take me as a patient for this pregnancy. at 11 weeks we checked out with dr. fisch. he was pleased with our ultrasound and the results. we were relieved and so grateful to have had his council and experience on our side. it was a wonderful feeling to walk out of his office knowing what we knew and having what we had to look forward to in the future.

soon i was well into my first trimester and my body was detoxing from all of the fertility meds. i was less feeling better and better with each month. it was just so nice to be off so much medicine. i am not a big medicine junkie. i do ibuprofen once in a while and that is about the extent of my normal medicine fix. so getting off all those meds was a relief. i was left with only prenatal vitamins and a hint of a thyroid pill daily. i was never overly sick and didn't experience much morning sickness. maybe i did feel a little off at times but compared to what i'd come through it was nothing to worry about much.

this pregnancy has been such a new journey for me. it has been so different in every possible way from my first pregnancy which was with jack and morgan. this again is just my own experience about which i speak. all i know is that for me this single pregnancy was the most difficult in the very beginning stages where as the pregnancy with the twins was terrifically difficult during its latter months and end. i feel so much movement from this one child and i felt nearly none from the twins. they must have been too tight to really move much. this child has all the room he wants and takes full advantage of it! this pregnancy is manageable. pregnancy is not my favorite thing. i have a hard time with the distortion of my body and especially here at the end if feel like i just would rather hibernate than be seen out in public. but i am no where near the discomfort i was in with the twins at this stage. in fact, here i am at 36 weeks writing and i sleep most each night, run children to school and activities each day, still work on photography, and do household duties such as laundry and cleaning. at 36 weeks with the twins i was bed-ridden and on monitoring for half the day--each and every day. i didn't sleep at all. and at 36 1/2 weeks i walked myself in to the maternity ward at valley hospital downtown and said, "i'm done. call my doctor!" then i had a c-section the next morning. i'd not slept for three weeks prior to that c-section and i was so grateful for an ob physician who knew my limits and my babies limits enough to call it finished and deliver us all from the pregnancy!

at 36 weeks right now i am feeling about like i did at 7 months with the twins. i'm big and that is never comfortable. bending forward, seeing my toes and picking up things that have fallen are effort now. i'd rather not make those efforts. but it will only be for a few more weeks. this is manageable. this is doable. i understand now why women do this again or say they can forget how it really felt to be pregnant. with the twins i never understood that. i didn't know any differently and i had a fairly good twins pregnancy compared to so many other women but now i know just how different carrying only one child can be. to go beyond that i am sure that i'll be experiencing more of those differences once this baby is delivered. caring for just one baby will also have its differences. many of those i am really looking forward to!

i'm so amazed at science and technology in the medical field. i was glad it worked for us. i know so well that it does not work for everyone who goes through it. for the one phone call i got from dr. fisch to tell us we were pregnant, he had three others to make from my same cycle that were not positive results and two of those women were from out of town who had traveled to his office for every visit and procedure from a far distance! rod and i were very fortunate to have him so close to home. we were fortunate to have the support of our parents and family. we feel tremendously blessed. i have learned that science can be helpful but does not always give us all the answers. we still have to have a place for faith and hope that things will happen just as the "good man upstairs" wills it to. my faith is always growing. i know my Father in heaven is aware of me. i am more open to His will. this new baby has been thought of for a number of years now and worked on for almost a full year now. we started in-vitro last october and here we are one year later at 36 weeks pregnant in october. if we had not taken the path we took a year ago i would have regretted it. i am so grateful not to have to live with such regrets!

our due date is november 8th. we expect to have a healthy baby boy then. at that point i will be able to relax and just enjoy his presence and relish in having his spirit in our home and family. i'll take the sleepless nights and small inconveniences a newborn can bring. i've worked long and hard to this point not to see all the joy that off sets those downsides. rod and i both feel that there is nothing we've ever done more important than have and care for our children. we are blessed to have yet another opportunity at it. we are happy to be new parents in our early 40's! here is to keeping young at heart with renewed hope and faith and countless diaper changes again! 

27 weeks:

36 weeks:

my new downward glance view of my feet: 

 

 

 

she is patiently waiting. . .

during this pregnancy my chloe dog has had to be fairly patient with me. i am usually out and about walking the dog each day but lately it has gotten to be too much of a stretch for my body to give her the walks she really needs. so she waits patiently till the day we can put baby in the jogger stroller and get moving again!

good dog.

2nd grade begins. . .

this year we have two boys in second grade! i can't believe they are already in second grade but it is true. each boy is in his own class and they are on opposite sides of the school. they only see each other at recess and lunch. i think this is healthy for them. they had different teachers last year but the two teachers were sisters and had classrooms next to one another. they did every activity together and that was a good progressive step to this year's set up. 

jack has ms. greenlee and loves her. she is just perfect for his personality! she certainly has game and means business and her homework is anything but busy work. i love how applicable it is. i really appreciate her high-end approach! i'm so happy for jack! 

morgan has ms. warren who could not be more perfect for my boy! she is so admirable to me because she is so different from me. she is patient, kind and positive and most of all very calm. she is calm but deliberate. she means business and has complete control over the classroom but she is not overbearing in any way. i think she is just one of those gentle souls who can command the mountains to move just with a whisper. i really see morgan thriving in the classroom and learning great things. he is building confidence which is just what he needed this year. 

each teacher was meant for each boy. i could not have lucked out anymore. i am always so grateful to teachers who really take their job seriously and make the most of each child. this is how i feel about the two we have this year. second grade is proving to be a really great year already.

 

$400 sam's club food trip gone sour. . .

isn't it a bit of mayhem before the new year of school begins? i always feel like i need to have things set and ready to roll for that first week of school so as to minimize the chaos of the new changes from a lazy summer. i thought it would be a great idea to take a trip to sam's club so i could stock up on food that we would be able to use and/or freeze for later use during the next few weeks. i got all excited because i rarely shop at sam's club or costco type stores. (we are just so small of a family that i don't find it super useful to shop there regularly.) this time i had a list and a game plan. i used the trip as a chance to stock our pantry and extra fridge with items we use over and over. i purchased meats that i could break up and freeze in smaller portions, milk, yogurts, fresh fruit for the week, etc. i stocked up on cold cereals and other things that i could use for lunches. when i got out of the store my wallet had about $400 less than it did before but i felt great. i felt prepared. i felt like i would be set for a good long time as far as food was concerned. my plan was to just head to the extra fridge in the garage for items we were out of instead of heading to the store in the weeks ahead. 

when i got home i put everything away in its place and stocked my extra fridge as planned. meat was repacked into smaller portions and frozen. extra milk and dairy products and fresh fruit were put in the outside fridge as well. 

a few days went by and i found myself going to the extra fridge for a gallon of milk. i pulled it out and went to pour it. it was curdled and sour. it looked and smelled like buttermilk! i could hardly believe my eyes and nose. i had just purchased it a few days earlier. i had thoughts of taking it back to sam's club but it was only one gallon of milk and i didn't think it would be worth it. 

over the course of the next week i would go to my extra fridge and pull out food i needed. everything i pulled out seemed to be spoiled in some way. now i was getting irritated because i wondered how sam's could sell all of this food and have it go bad so fast. i then wondered if it had anything to do with the food going into some kind of shock from the nice cool-air conditioned store to my 120 degree car for ten minutes before i could get it home to my cool fridge again. i just wasn't putting together the thoughts correctly. i mean i had done everything right--drove it straight home from the store and put it all promptly in the extra fridge. 

then at some point--not soon enough--but at some point i figured out what the problem was. it was the extra fridge itself. it was cool inside but not cold. i never noticed it because it doesn't get opened all that much. but when i realized the fridge was marginally cool and not cold i checked the freezer. same thing. i'd lost the fan on my fridge and all of my food in it! so much for planning ahead and being prepared that month!

the food by the time i figured out the problem was so far gone i had to toss it out. i was defeated. i could get the fridge fixed but i couldn't get the money back that i'd spent on trying to get ahead of the food retrieval game. it was one of those things that i couldn't change but wish i could have. 

oh well. isn't that just sometimes the way things go. the best laid plans of men sometimes do not pay off and one is left to scrounge for food the rest of the month. needless to say, i was back to my regular small grocery runs at trader joes in no time for only the essentials. thank heaven i live so close to mr. t. joe incorporated and that i can get my essentials there without it costing me my arm and my leg. 

i can laugh at the whole thing now and the extra fridge is now fixed and full again. it was just one of those mysteries that i wish i would have figured out much sooner. good thing i had purchased all that cold cereal for the pantry. we ate off of it for many meals the rest of the month!

the dangling tooth. . .

when i was about five i have a photo taken of me that has my front tooth dangling by a thread in my mouth. it was impossible to eat and yet i didn't want anyone to pull it out. 

morgan has had this front baby tooth dangling for months now. he can turn it every which way except for out of his mouth! it sort of gets in his way and i'm excited for him to be able to let it come out. 

but i get it. i understand not wanting to pull it out yourself. that was me. the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree they say. so true! he is my son through and through to the root of his teeth.

baker morgan. . .

one thing i love to do with my boys is have them in the kitchen with me working on preparing food. i think it is important that boys know their way around a kitchen. more importantly how to clean one up but that is a different lesson i'm teaching them. the more fun one is how to make good food! 

before school got started we had about two weeks at home to spend the days doing a variety of activities. one of those days we decided to make some dinner together. morgan jumped into the making of rolls. there are so many things i love about this child. the photo of him rolling out the dough makes me smile to no end. it is just how daily life is. there is light pouring in my kitchen in the afternoon. morgan is wearing his Be Kind school t-shirt (he wore almost every day in the summer) and he is wearing two hats for some crazy reason. he has his african bracelet on that his nan gave him at cousin's camp. behind him is a bunch of containers probably full of left-overs that my family never eats that is getting ready to be tossed out from a newly cleaned fridge. i see that glass jar we were using to cut out the rolls and it is near the edge of the counter which gives my heart a few palpitations extra. i want to jump in the frame and move it away from the edge for fear it will fall and be a mess to clean up. but most of all i love morgan's skinny arms rolling out that dough. he is happy and loves to help in the work. 

 

fostering hard work and independence. . .

our boys have been employed for a few months now cleaning a friend's yard up from their two dogs. it has been such a great job for jack and morgan to do and earn their own money. they usually ride their bikes up the street to the friend's home with rod. they do their clean up job and ride home. if one of them or both of them is unable to go (like when i had them at the cabin in the summer) then rod goes and does it for them to teach them that the money then goes to him. it is a great lesson for the two boys. they spend their saved money carefully. they are understanding more and more the value of a dollar. 

they also have been going out on their bikes around the block on their own and back to our home. they ride up the street and on the back path all the time with rod and me so i figured it was about time for them to go try it on their own. i can see them on the back path from my house and they come back around to the front gate and home. it has been a good thing to foster a little bit of independence in them. when i have the baby i will be able to tell them to go get some energy out by going on a bike ride around the block. i am still overly protective and won't let them go further than that yet. i just take those steps toward independence probably smaller than most parents and you know what? i am just fine with that.

a high five around 27 weeks. . .

when we came home from the cabin for the rest of the month of august i set up a bunch of appointments--one being to the perinatologist for an ultrasound. this time i went with rod and our boys. i wanted them to see whatever they could on the screen of their brother. 

we were near the end of the ultrasound and jack and morgan had seen all kinds of things, leg bone, foot, head, stomach and heart of their brother. and just before we were done they got to see a hand push palm out as if to give a high-five right at them. it was the coolest thing. i felt his hand push outward and then to see it on the screen was even crazier. the boys thought it was awesome!

luckily the tech got a photo of it. that was something i do not want to forget. i can't wait for jack and morgan to get to know their brother and i have a hunch that he is just as giddy about it as i am.

the great escape: summer 2011. . .[part 9: a week with harris family at the cabin]

after cousin's camp and the quick trip to utah valley for an extended family reunion my entire family made their way back to the cabin for a week together. our dallas family (stephen, rachel and their children) were there which only happens once a year. it is always fun to see them when they come! it amazes me how they do that drive from dallas, texas to the west coast each year and then once in the west they still do road trips between california and salt lake city, utah and the cabin in the middle of utah and vegas as well. they trek serious miles! this time they were on the tail end of their three week excursion and so returning home to dallas they had their mini-van full of things my brother was taking from my parent's home. since my parent's moved from our family home of 30+years they had a number of things they had saved that had stephen and rachel's names on them. most all of it got into the van except two items that my dad pulled out because he just could not part with them: a masters (golf tournament) folding seat and a master's blanket. it was so funny to see him hold on to those items and not let stephen put them in. fitting the rest of the items of randomness in the van was nothing short of a serious puzzle. but with a little help and trying different configurations everything got in plus their four children! i was amazed. that was a commercial for the town and country chrysler mini-van if i'd ever seen one! 

during the week my dad was pulling up our back decking because of some rotting support beams underneath. the grandchildren got to help a little. i love when grandpa lets the children help and get involved in such projects. it is real-life, hands-on learning. 

mid-week the boys and i drove down to cedar city to spend a day doing some fun things just together. i took them bowling (the bowling center in cedar is a throw back to yester-year which i just loved!) in the bowling center there was no smoking and no one there! we practically had the place to ourselves. it was so unlike vegas that i loved it! we had a great time just the three of us and i loved being with my boys. again i was so aware that our lives are all going to change with a new baby on the way. just having taken jack and morgan that day bowling and creating that memory for me was worth the drive down the canyon and the $5 i think we spend in total bowling! 

later at the end of the week rod got a ride up to st. george and my parents went down to pick him up and bring him back to the cabin for the weekend. by the end of the weekend i was not so comfortable because of the altitude and happy to go home! each week i stayed was so beautiful weather wise and the boys were beyond happy to play with friends and cousins but the altitude affected my growing body more and more. it was almost a relief to return home in the middle of august and breathe without effort again. 

when we got home we did some back to school shopping (mostly for shoes that had been grown out of from the previous year.) we found great sales at the outlets on las vegas boulevard which helped out a bunch with the cost. i was also able to get to my doctor visits and catch up on my church work responsibilities. it was good to be home. it was hot and i didn't love having to run errands in the heat but being able to breathe properly and being less sore or tight in the belly was a great relief. 

i felt like i had hit the maximum of time i could do at the cabin this summer. each week brought new people and new activities. my hope is that my children have really great memories of their summers there. i hope they have clear memories of their grandparents being there. i feel like it has more of my mom and dad in it than their home in vegas has now that their vegas home is so knew to us in the family. the vegas home is super close to us and beautiful but the cabin has so much of my parent's fingerprints all over, in and around it. even when they are not really there with us in person their influence and personalities are felt. it has been such a blessing for our family to have that magnificent place. when i sit in the great room with the doors open, the river running and a cool breeze blowing through, i feel possibly the most peace i've ever felt. 

next summer i'll be going back a few years to chasing around a crawling baby and it will be a little less relaxing. but that is o.k. i've had plenty of years relaxing up there now with my boys having grown up so fast! i have an idea of how fast time will go and i look forward to long walks with my jogger stroller and little one seated there in again. the only difference is that this time it will only be a single jogger stroller and not a cumbersome double one! add to that fact--that i'll have not one (just rod when jack and morgan were babies) but three (jack and morgan now) boys able to help me push the stroller! yes, everything will be different with just one baby to manage up there. 

(photo: my nephew from dallas asleep at lunchtime. there are so many things that are awesome to me about this photo! 1) he is usually full of energy and doesn't nap really 2) he didn't even make it to the end of his lunch and he is an eater 3) the insect killer box that is on the table with lunch (thank goodness it is only being used to store papers at the time!) 4) that red cup--those are a staple up at the cabin

the great escape: summer 2011. . .[part 8: these boys of ours]

i know every parent feels like this at some point. they think their children are the best in the world. 

that is exactly how i feel about these boys of ours. having this summer as the last summer i could spend with just them at the cabin made me a little nostalgic. i mean they have been it for eight years now. i've spent many summers at the cabin with just them and this one was full of great times together. it was a little different than other summers--we didn't do any big 4 wheeler rides. we didn't go do a hike or a picnic. pregnancy made it so that i could do one flight of the stairs in the cabin and i was winded. but we did other things that just made me think how blessed our lives have been because we had the guts to have children. i'm so glad they came to our family together. the first few years were fun but a ton of work. from the age of about 3 or 4 i would say it has been remarkably easier having two at once. they play so well together. i am often a third wheel for them.

i love when i take them out on the grass at the cabin and ask them to give me some of their time for photos. the results always make me smile. one ends up grumpy and the other usually can get him to come around for a good laugh about something. they have a way of getting to each other--for good or bad. this year they turn eight years old. it just seems like a landmark year. these boys turn eight and we get a new little boy to our family. in some ways i feel for this new little boy coming--that he will be a singleton. i see how close jack and morgan are and i wish that for our youngest boy. but i have to remember that there are blessings in everything and having one child at a time will provide different opportunities and blessings that i don't yet realize. i do know that jack and morgan collectively and individually will be blessed as well because they will have another brother but one who is not exactly like them.

there is just something about these boys of ours. . .that makes me have great hopes for their futures.