this post has been rummaging around in my head since one year ago. it started out as one thing and has gone through multiple drafts. it could not have been written really any earlier than now. i think i always knew that and for that reason have held off writing it until now. almost a year later and i can look back over that span of time and jot down some thoughts on my experience with in vitro and pregnancy.
keep in mind--this is all from my own view--they are my personal thoughts on my own personal experience with these things. everyone has their own experience and stories. i know more now than ever that with these topics everyone's experiences differ even if just slightly. this just happens to be mine.
when my twins were born eight years ago it was not long after that when people around me who knew me and those who didn't know me even--would ask me "are you gonna have more children?" that question always made me heavy. i felt for a really long time that it just was not a nice question to ask seeing as i felt up to my eyeballs with the responsibility of caring for two young babies at the same time. i felt like i was doing good to have children and two at a time was just enough for me for a good long while. so i never really knew quite how to answer that question. it was soooo far from my mind. when the boys were young--probably all the way until they were five years old, i never gave much if any thought to having more children. but i am not a terribly good multi-tasker. i like to do one thing well and then move on to the next thing. i can multi-task only a little bit but i get overwhelmed easily and feel like i'm not giving my best to any one thing. so for years i just enjoyed my two children completely.
then somewhere in their fifth year we just thought to leave the possibility of getting pregnant to chance and stopped preventative measures. in the back of my mind i was a little stressed i might admit but after a year had passed i began to wonder if rod and i should see a fertility doctor just to have tests run and see if there were a problem that needed to be addressed. and so the testing began. we went to two different doctors. both of them ran a slew of tests and the conclusion was always "unexplained infertility." at that point i sort of felt wronged. i felt like i had paid these two doctors all this money to run all these tests and all they could find was nothing explainable? it was almost like i wanted it to be something i could label since i'd paid all that money for a diagnosis. and that was when i realized that entering into the world of medicine and fertility treatments would be a mind game. i should have been relieved that nothing was terribly wrong with me. and yet, nothing could be done either to explain why we were not able to conceive on our own. we let it rest at that for a time.
another year went by where we just decided to keep trying on our own and let nature take its course. we needed time away from the subject and stress. in the meantime i came to meet a girl i really admired who had three young boys, two being twins, and all were from in-vitro treatments. she mentioned having been to one of the doctors we had met with and then finding another doctor she really liked and they were able to have their children because of working with him and his practice. she highly recommended him. i pocketed the information.
on my 40th birthday-- in january 2010-- i felt strongly that if we were ever going to consider in-vitro treatments it should be this year. i felt like it was a now or never path that we needed to address taking. i didn't know how we would afford it and didn't really know why i felt compelled to try it but i took the information of the doctor my friend had given me and made an appointment. at the time his office was doing free consultations and assessments. i had my previous records transferred to his office and figured meeting with him couldn't hurt.
rod and i went to meet this doctor. dr. fisch welcomed us into his office and sat with us for a good long time talking over all the ins and outs of fertility options for couples in our position. age was a factor and he was clear to tell us that there would be no guarantee. i liked his straightforwardness. he had no air of arrogance. he was just fair and understanding. he made his recommendations for us and told us to think about it. we left knowing we had to ask ourselves many tough questions. would going into debt be worth it? would we just be happy with the two healthy and beautiful children we already had? would we have regrets in five more years that we never just tried it regardless of the expense or possible let down?
as with all decisions in life that are big, we made the topic a matter or prayer. we each sought for answers. at that time we both knew that it was not a possibility. it just didn't feel like it was right at the time for whatever reason. and so we went throughout the year as normal. our boys were in first grade and so happy. we were able to travel on family vacations to california and the cabin and enjoy our little family of four completely. even still, at times i would be haunted by the wish to have just one other child in our family---one child so i could know what it was like to just have one baby to hold at a time. one child--so jack and morgan would know what it was like to have a sibling, one not just like themselves who they could serve and love and rely on later in life besides one another. one child--so that rod and i could again experience a deeper growth as a couple through parenting another spirit.
by september of 2010 i had a strong feeling that i should make another appointment with dr. fisch--just to consult. rod and i agreed to go back and just talk it out again. i think by now neither rod and i had had a settling of the heart on the matter. we felt like it was the think we needed to explore yet again though our circumstances had not changed that much from the first of the year. the only thing that had changed was adding months to our ages. in the world of fertility age is not one thing that is always welcomed. so rod and i went back to dr. fisch's office and nailed down the cost of his recommendations and a possible timeline to follow. we didn't know what would change to make it possible for us to follow this path we were outlining with the doctor but we decided that just having the path outlined was a needed step. we left the office feeling as though it was the right thing to do but we had no means of making it happen.
for the next few days we just sat on it. we talked about it a lot but there was never a conclusion. we continued to pray about it and ask for direction. then one day i was driving down eastern avenue running errands. and i had the thought, if someone came out of the blue and offered me the entire sum of the cost with no strings attached would i have the guts to proceed with in-vitro. i needed to ask myself if it was just the money alone that was holding me back. i answered my own question right there sitting the in the car. the answer was "yes" i would go for it if money were no option. just as soon as i answered that in my mind i heard from behind me as clear as day, "you need to talk to your dad." i heard that as if someone were sitting behind my seat talking to me in real life. i heard it three times. it affected me so much for the rest of the day that i told rod of it when he got home. that led us to discuss whether or not we would talk it over with my dad. my mom already knew that we had gone to the doctor again and she had us in her prayers as well. but the instructions i got were not to talk to her but my dad. the problem with that was that my dad was out of town. he had been at the cabin for a number of weeks--working on the cabin and when he is at the cabin he is outside most of the day so very hard to get on the phone. that night with my mom at our home we decided we would call to talk to my dad and tell him what we were thinking regarding in-vitro.
our phone call with my father that night would turn out to be one of a few very spiritual and tender moments for rod and me with my parents--though he was not even here in person. my father had no idea we were considering in-vitro and yet when he found out he could not have been more supportive. we outlined the plan the doctor had for us, the timeline and the cost it would take to follow that timeline. my dad immediately offered his financial support which would enable us to proceed without stress. he then gave us great council as a father and told us how he felt about both rod and me as his children. it was a phone call i will never forget. it makes me tender in the heart just remembering it. my dad has a unique spot in his heart for my husband. he treats him as though he were and considers him his own son. there is no son-in-law according to my dad. i am so grateful that the two of them have a really strong relationship. my father's generosity was astounding to both rod and me. we ended that night with a prayer of thanks for parents such as we have. and so that began our heading full-force into the rest of the year with in-vitro treatments.
it is hard to explain how i felt about starting in-vitro. i tried to keep my expectations to a minimum and my head about me. in october i had my visit with dr. fisch and we ordered a litany of meds. the number of medications were astounding and the calendar to keep it all straight looked like a rainbow--everything color coded. it was easy at the beginning and i wondered why everyone thought it was such a hard thing to go through. but after a month of injections and pills i realized it was the consistency of it and the increasing dosages that began to be wearing. i was lucky. my body handled the medication with relative ease. It was not terribly altering--uncomfortable for sure but again my expectations were low and everything was new to me. i felt like i could manage it all and it seemed like i could. just before christmas we were able to do the procedures needed. it meant that a few weeks before christmas we would find out if any embryo was viable. we opted to do genetic testing on the embryos so we would have the most information we could on them to know which was the healthiest. i thought science would give us so many more answers so we could make an informed decision. but in a few days we found we had nothing survive. we had no choice to make. everything we had worked to get had failed. that was the hard pill to swallow. it left me really let down. i know rod felt the same. i tried hard not to get too far down. i wanted to still enjoy the holiday but i was left with so many mixed emotions. i knew that we had signed up for two cycles of in-vitro just in the event that this was the outcome of the first cycle. (this was part of the doctor's recommendations for us because of a number of factors.) so i knew we would be starting up again with a new cycle at the end of january 2011. this time however, i found it to be so much more difficult than the first cycle. i knew now what the meds were like and i knew now most of all what failure felt like. i was determined to try and get back to feeling normal and myself again through the holidays so i could gear up for what i knew was coming at the start of the new year.
the holidays were calm and so full of joy. we kept it simple. i felt really great physically. i felt normal again and energetic. i love that feeling. my birthday rolled around in january. now i was 41. the inevitable came again--doctor's appointments began and ordering the medications this time was even tougher than before--there were more of them and higher dosages. i knew i was in for a challenging couple of winter months.
the second cycle for me was where i really had to dig deep within and put my mind to it. i don't have any idea how women do cycles three, four and fives times over and over. they are extremely strong women in my mind. i do not think i could be that strong. i kept thinking that especially the further we got into this cycle number two. things went well enough and we got to the point again where we did the needed procedures. this time however, the encouragement from our doctor was more guided. the first go round we really wanted to do genetic testing. i think we were looking for science to give us as many answers as it could. this time our doctor told us we had what looked to be two very healthy embryos and we could do genetic testing again on them if we really wanted to but it would not be his suggestion. he recommended coming in right away so that he could transfer them back to me promptly. we went to his office with the some further questions and thinking we could possibly do a transfer that day if we felt right about it. i still had a desire to test them and yet when dr. fisch came out and sat beside us with images of the embyos (like that would help me see what he was seeing) i got a strong sense that his faith was stronger than mine at the time. i don't know if he is a highly religious man. i do know that he works with this everyday and handles many many varied cases and has done so for a good number of years now. he is a man of science so to speak--he is a reproductive doctor after all. but what he was telling me right then and there was to let go of the testing and take what looked to be strong, healthy embyos and transfer then back to me right now--giving them a completely different timing and chance than those we had in the first cycle. it was his experience that he was giving us. doctors so often now a days are hesitant to say anything. they walk such a fine line because of the threat of being sued and held accountable if something goes wrong. but thankfully for us, dr. fisch voiced his opinion and not in a passive "here is what i think but do what you want" manner. it was more like council and him telling us what he wanted to do. i had to let go right then and there and trust that this man, with his years of experience, was telling us what he felt was the best thing to do--rely less on science at this point and return the embyos to their natural environment and let nature take its course. in fact, he often made reference to "the good man upstairs taking over." we decided to do the transfer and did so that day. it would be the best decision we'd made yet.
i was nervous. i'd not gotten to this point with the first cycle. but i was grateful for the chance this time. it was a game changer for me. now i had something to really be aware of each day until we could find out if anything took and we became pregnant. in vitro is such an odd process. the science of it is unmistakable. my husband stands beside me and holds me hand while the doctor does all the work. how important is it to have a knowledgeable and humble doctor! after the transfer rod and i were filled with hope again. all of this now would be new territory. i am always grateful that rod is a strong and encouraging person. he has always taken such great care of me and this experience would prove no different.
there are two blood tests done in two consecutive days to confirm that you are pregnant. the first day was a positive result. the numbers were very high. the second test confirmed the same and from there on we were on the path to maintaining that pregnancy atleast to week 11 with dr. fisch's care. how did i feel at the time of knowing i was pregnant? well, i don't really know how to describe it--again i'm sort of at a loss for describing my feelings. yes, i was happy. more than that i was relieved. and more than that i felt like i had to be extra cautious. i felt like i had a terrifically breakable gift that i needed to tend to and not be flippant about its value. i rested as much as i could. my parents were a great help as was rod. the medications continued. this is where i experienced great joy offset by a great amount of physical pain that i'd not experienced previously.
my experience was that after i became pregnant having injections daily because more and more painful with each passing day. rod was good to give me the injections but there was soon no more untouched real estate to prick--so to speak. my hips were so sore that walking and sitting or anything was terrifically painful. it as like getting a swift kick in the backside twice a day! but you just weather certain things because you know you have to. and then it got to a point that i didn't feel like i was equal to the task. the physical pain was so much that i was crabby with my children and my husband. i felt so unlike myself that i was desperate to find an alternate option till i could quite the medication. i began to research online and was lucky enough to read a number of message boards on which i learned i was not the only one experiencing this kind of pain. i learned that i could ask my doctor for pills instead of intramuscular injections! that night i cried and cried having to be stuck yet again. rod felt terrible. i can't believe he even came near me with a needle knowing i might have turned, grabbed the syringe and turned it on him! i was done with injections and would swallow any number of pills the size of china if needed only to be finished with the backside brutality.
the next day i called dr. fisch's office and spoke with the nurse who told me it was not a problem to prescribe me the necessary pills now that i was this close to 11 weeks. for the next 3 weeks i was more than happy to swallow a few horse-sized pills three times daily in order to forgo the injections. slowly my backside healed---very slowly but it did. i began to feel better and things were looking up. i was a little nauseated but it never really amounted to much. i shopped for an ob/gyn who would take me as a patient for this pregnancy. at 11 weeks we checked out with dr. fisch. he was pleased with our ultrasound and the results. we were relieved and so grateful to have had his council and experience on our side. it was a wonderful feeling to walk out of his office knowing what we knew and having what we had to look forward to in the future.
soon i was well into my first trimester and my body was detoxing from all of the fertility meds. i was less feeling better and better with each month. it was just so nice to be off so much medicine. i am not a big medicine junkie. i do ibuprofen once in a while and that is about the extent of my normal medicine fix. so getting off all those meds was a relief. i was left with only prenatal vitamins and a hint of a thyroid pill daily. i was never overly sick and didn't experience much morning sickness. maybe i did feel a little off at times but compared to what i'd come through it was nothing to worry about much.
this pregnancy has been such a new journey for me. it has been so different in every possible way from my first pregnancy which was with jack and morgan. this again is just my own experience about which i speak. all i know is that for me this single pregnancy was the most difficult in the very beginning stages where as the pregnancy with the twins was terrifically difficult during its latter months and end. i feel so much movement from this one child and i felt nearly none from the twins. they must have been too tight to really move much. this child has all the room he wants and takes full advantage of it! this pregnancy is manageable. pregnancy is not my favorite thing. i have a hard time with the distortion of my body and especially here at the end if feel like i just would rather hibernate than be seen out in public. but i am no where near the discomfort i was in with the twins at this stage. in fact, here i am at 36 weeks writing and i sleep most each night, run children to school and activities each day, still work on photography, and do household duties such as laundry and cleaning. at 36 weeks with the twins i was bed-ridden and on monitoring for half the day--each and every day. i didn't sleep at all. and at 36 1/2 weeks i walked myself in to the maternity ward at valley hospital downtown and said, "i'm done. call my doctor!" then i had a c-section the next morning. i'd not slept for three weeks prior to that c-section and i was so grateful for an ob physician who knew my limits and my babies limits enough to call it finished and deliver us all from the pregnancy!
at 36 weeks right now i am feeling about like i did at 7 months with the twins. i'm big and that is never comfortable. bending forward, seeing my toes and picking up things that have fallen are effort now. i'd rather not make those efforts. but it will only be for a few more weeks. this is manageable. this is doable. i understand now why women do this again or say they can forget how it really felt to be pregnant. with the twins i never understood that. i didn't know any differently and i had a fairly good twins pregnancy compared to so many other women but now i know just how different carrying only one child can be. to go beyond that i am sure that i'll be experiencing more of those differences once this baby is delivered. caring for just one baby will also have its differences. many of those i am really looking forward to!
i'm so amazed at science and technology in the medical field. i was glad it worked for us. i know so well that it does not work for everyone who goes through it. for the one phone call i got from dr. fisch to tell us we were pregnant, he had three others to make from my same cycle that were not positive results and two of those women were from out of town who had traveled to his office for every visit and procedure from a far distance! rod and i were very fortunate to have him so close to home. we were fortunate to have the support of our parents and family. we feel tremendously blessed. i have learned that science can be helpful but does not always give us all the answers. we still have to have a place for faith and hope that things will happen just as the "good man upstairs" wills it to. my faith is always growing. i know my Father in heaven is aware of me. i am more open to His will. this new baby has been thought of for a number of years now and worked on for almost a full year now. we started in-vitro last october and here we are one year later at 36 weeks pregnant in october. if we had not taken the path we took a year ago i would have regretted it. i am so grateful not to have to live with such regrets!
our due date is november 8th. we expect to have a healthy baby boy then. at that point i will be able to relax and just enjoy his presence and relish in having his spirit in our home and family. i'll take the sleepless nights and small inconveniences a newborn can bring. i've worked long and hard to this point not to see all the joy that off sets those downsides. rod and i both feel that there is nothing we've ever done more important than have and care for our children. we are blessed to have yet another opportunity at it. we are happy to be new parents in our early 40's! here is to keeping young at heart with renewed hope and faith and countless diaper changes again!
27 weeks:
36 weeks:
my new downward glance view of my feet:
You are a wonder! I am so happy to hear about your journey. Although we don't see each other like we used to, I think of you often with warm memories. It always amazes me how God knows our journey and we just need to remember to trust in Him. Will be keeping all of you in prayer in the coming weeks. One of my favorite sayings---It is no small thing, that they, who are so fresh from God, love us!
Posted by: Kathy Edds | October 21, 2011 at 10:31 AM